I can't even think of a catch-all phrase that would include all the things on my mind right now. I suppose I'll start with the baby. I am basically just driving myself insane. I have all these things that make me worry and doubt, and yet I can just feel in my bones that this baby is going to be all right. Even when I know I have a clotting disorder (that is unfamiliar to my OB--oh joy), high blood pressure, and a high risk pregnancy, I just have this knowledge, this faith, that the Lord is watching over this baby; that he/she is special. Maybe it's just because we tried for two years (almost) after the miscarriage with no luck and no reason as to why. During this time I convinced myself that the Lord had a very specific time that He needed our child (or all our children for that matter) to be born and that we could try all we wanted and it wouldn't happen until the Lord said it was time. Now that it's happening...it has to be time, right? There is always that chance that I have more to learn and I could lose this baby, too, but I can't bring myself to believe that. So I just go back and forth from being terrified that something will happen to my baby to chastising myself for not trusting what I feel is right. I went to see my OB, Dr. Sorensen, this past Thursday. My blood pressure was high, again, (I don't remember what it was), and so she said she was going to start me on BP medication. It's frustrating for me because I have NEVER had high blood pressure before. The first time I was ever told it was high was my first prenatal appointment with Dr. Sorenson a month ago. I have high blood pressure on both sides of the family, but it hasn't affected me until now. It seems to have started with the pregnancy, but I have no way of knowing that since I can't remember having my BP taken since the miscarriage. Anything could have happened in the last two years that started this. I don't feel too concerned about it, but I also don't know much about it. I know that later in pregnancy it can cause preeclampsia and things, but I don't know if I
should be worried about it now. It seems that if the medicine works everything is and will be fine. The worst part so far about it is having to collect my urine for an entire 24 hours (this is unsanitary and totally disgusting).
Dr. Sorensen finally received my records from Ohio as well. Apparently I saw a hemotologist there and he not only wrote down my condition (I swear it was thrombophilias), but also the medication I should be on. When Dr. Sorensen saw that, that's when she told me that she was sending me to a high risk physician in Ogden (at McKay-Dee Hospital). I also have to see another hemotologist. I'm happy to do anything that will make the baby be OK, but the cost worries me a great deal. Trying to pay for a baby without insurance (not that any insurance is that great when you have a baby; the deductables are ridiculous) would be hard enough with a normal pregnancy, but now that I'm "officially" high-risk, my cost quite possibly just doubled. Especially since the high risk doc sees me like I see my OB, but doesn't deliver, so I have to keep going to Dr. Sorensen also. I have no idea how I'm going to be able to pay for this baby, let alone any future children. I feel like I'll be paying doctor bills on this one for ten years or so. This doesn't count ANY other baby costs, like food, diapers, car seats, clothes, bottles, strollers, toys, pediatrician appointments (one post-natal appt is included with the cost of the pregnancy). Welcome to my life of eternal debt.
How can something be so stressful it makes me cry but bring me so much joy at the same time? I can't think of anything in this entire world that would make me happier than being able to be a mother. My worst fear isn't losing my house or my car or my money...it's losing my baby. Even though I was barely able to experience pregnancy before I lost my last baby, it was the most painful thing I ever experienced. The idea of having to deal with that again is too much--I honestly don't know if I could handle it. Truly. I think I would completely break down. I feel so strongly this baby is a boy...my son. I just want to hold him. I want to take him to Ohio and be able to put him in the arms of my parents, my siblings, my grandparents...and let them feel the joy that I feel having him in my life. Let him have a few days, even if he doesn't ever remember it, where he is the center of attention and doesn't have to share or be compared with other babies.
Ah, I'm just upsetting myself even more. Other worries just don't seem as important after going through all my baby worries. My house is still a mess, despite my daily promises to myself that I will clean, even if just for a little bit. My sister will be here in about three weeks. I need to get my rear in gear. I want to start doing yoga again, too, now that the nausea is slowing decreasing. We're going to St. George the first weekend in June for Jayden's baby blessing. The next weekend is Job's wedding, but it's only in Bountiful. I have no idea if David and I will be able to do anything for our anniversary. We didn't really do anything last year because of money. I wish we could afford a weekend getaway...who knows when we'll be able to take a vacation again, especially just the two of us. Oh well. Maybe we can scrape enough for dinner out. With the new doctor bills, I don't know where we'll stand. I suppose the 4th anniversary isn't a huge milestone, though. Of course, our big Nauvoo trip we've been planning for our 5th next year might be difficult with a 6 month old baby. *sigh*
OH-KAY....time to do something else.
