I Need to Vent

I have no idea who actually reads these things but I'll just assume people who do know me at least in some way. Everyone should know by now about my horrible experiences in 2007 (and beyond...how about that!) in trying to start our family. After FINALLY getting to a point that David and I felt it was time to start a family, I got pregnant on the first try and I was on cloud nine! I had plans, I had expectations....but nothing prepared me for June 20th, when I had another bad new ultrasound. I don't know if people understand what this kind of thing does to a person. From the moment a woman knows that she is expecting, there is a tangible bond with that child. Even when it is simply an embryo, a tiny clump of cells the size of a pinpoint in her uterus, the potential of that dot to grow into a human being makes it larger than life. When I finally saw my baby on that ultrasound screen, it was so incredible. It looked like all those pictures in the books and my mind was filled with the possibilities of what this child would look like later in life...or even in just the next few weeks and months. What was supposed to be the most incredible day, the day that I would actually be able to see (and hear!) the heart of this tiny baby pumping blood through its miniscule body......turned out to be the day everything just crashed down. I have never felt so numb, so helpless, so confused, such denial. It was like the world was literally ending because this could not be happening to me. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I think my heart literally broke into a million pieces and bled down the hallway. I had not sobbed so hard for a long time and I could not feel anything but pain despite my wonderfully supportive husband, siblings, parents, and other family members. It took awhile but I worked through it. I came to terms and I accepted this tragedy. I promised myself that I would not stop until I got pregnant again, because that is the only thing that could truly shut the door on this experience and let me put it behind me completely. So I tried. After carrying a dead fetus around for a few more weeks and spending a day in the hospital going through the most awful and complicared miscarriage known to man, I moved on. I tried and I tried and I tried....and sometimes I even thought I had succeeded. I really believed it. I would have bet money. But no....I even went to my doctor and said "Hey! This isn't working! It's been months and I have had not so much as a DROP of blood and not a single positive test. WHAT THE HECK!?!?!?" But you know doctors....they couldn't help me because I had to go at least a year without conceiving before they would even do the simplest of tests. I have prayed so many hours and shed so many tears over the last nine months pleading with my Heavenly Father to send me a child. A Boy, a Girl, I don't care. I'll take twins, triplets, the whole freakin' army of Helaman, ANYTHING. I even took a huge leap of faith and used 75% of my savings to move thousands of miles across the country, away from my family and the only life I have ever known, just because I felt that there was some reason we needed to be here. I thought that maybe once we were here and Heavenly Father saw that I was being obedient, that he would grant my wish...but no. It isn't time somehow. I have knowingly put myself in this path of pain and disappointment month after month because I know that someday the test will be positive. So many times I have just wanted to give up, but I can't. These are my children I'm talking about--my family. I cannot simply stop trying to bring them into this world because I am discouraged and tired of the constant ups and downs of hoping and wishing and never getting. So here's where the venting part comes in. I get SOOOOO ticked when I see pregnant women who have no idea what they've got. I see these women, and they're upset and angry because they didn't want a kid, they feel like their life is over, or they simply hate the physical effects of pregnancy. I just want to scream at them and tell them to be thankful for their blessings!!! Some people would KILL to be in their shoes. I would take swollen ankles, constant vomiting, bloating, backaches, and every other symptom imaginable if it meant I could have a child. Nothing is not worth it to me. I hate it even worse when there are women who WANT to get pregnant. They had a kid and now they want another one, and they just pick and day and BAM, pregnant, no problem, but then they complain for the next year a half about their pants size or the embarrassment of going out with such a huge belly. HELLO!! You KNEW this would happen, and you got pregnant anyway because you WANTED a baby. SUCK. IT. UP. You should be SO grateful that you can have that child with so few problems. If your biggest concern is that you don't fit into your size 8 anymore then you have a REALLY nice life. Don't even get me started on the women who actually abuse or even kill their children because they don't want them. That is SO wrong on SO many levels.....................

I try to focus on the many blessings I do have. I am grateful for lots of things I have that other people wish they had. I have a wonderful husband who takes care of me and loves me and is faithful. He would do anything for me, anything to make me happy, and he puts up with a lot of crap from people. He is always positive and he makes me life better every day. I am SO lucky to have him. I have great parents who love me and want what is best for me. I have the best brothers and the most amazing sister. It took us awhile to get as close as we are now, but it was worth the wait in some respects because I wouldn't trade them for anything. I have a great apartment, a great car, some great in-laws, I've never really had money problems, I have luxuries like a laptop and a cell phone, I have nice furniture....I have the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life and I know that without it I would never have made it through the many trials in my life. I have a testimony of my savior and about so many other things. I know the Book of Mormon is true. I have no doubt in my mind that this is Christ's church and that this book is the keystone of that religion. It is ALL true and the best part is that anyone can know it. All they have to do is ask with a sincere heart, truly wanting to know. I see people around me, even people that I am close to and love so dearly, struggling with this concept. Somehow they just can't see or remember the simply beautiful and honest truthfulness of all of it. Knowing what I know about this church has brought immense peace to my life. I can't even describe what it means to me. I know it is true, and no matter what anyone else says about it, I will always know. My testimony will never die because I am careful to keep it strong. I just wish everyone around me could feel what I feel. When I hear the stories of the Prophet Joseph, my heart just burns and I KNOW he was a true prophet and that he did see Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ because I can feel it. Don't others feel that burning? I surely can't be the only know who feels the truthfulness. What does it take? What is it going to take before HE understands???

Bottom line, I know I have been blessed, but I also know that I have children that are waiting for me and my heart is yearning for them. I would give the world to finally be able to hold them in my arms. I can't even imagine complaining about pregnancy because just feeling that child inside of me would make it all worth while. I know some people are skeptical...but I think women like me who have suffered and yearned and known such disappointment through their attempts to have a family have a deeper gratitude for the precious gift they are finally receiving.

If you read all that, kudos. Sorry for going on and on....but it feels good to get it out.