The Right Thing

So there is more drama in my family lately, not that this should come as a surprise, especially when I say that this drama is revolving around my father. I don't really want to go into details about what triggered this whole thing (you can read my brother's blog for more info), but it is about way more than this one event. This is just the straw the broke the camel's back. This is about years of problems that have never been properly resolved.

The main reason behind this blog is that I want to try and organize my thoughts. I talked to my mom today about them and she helped me get more perspective. I find myself fairly torn. I have this part of me that says "turn the other cheek" and "forgiveness is the key" because I know that in most cases that would be "taking the high road," but I don't think that this is that clear cut. I do not feel that ignoring this situation would help at all. In fact, it would probably make it worse. Which is where I find myself now. I know that I want to make the right decision, I know that I have to be careful because it is easy to say or do things that I will regret someday, but at the same time I cannot sit back and hope that Dad "gets the message" because he won't. He never has. Dropping hints does not and will not ever work, especially with him. He needs to be told directly, however, Dad has this problem of not listening. If he doesn't agree with what we are saying it just seems to go in one ear and out the other. He puts up this wall and convinces himself that we are wrong without ever putting himself in our position. So I feel stuck because there is nothing I can say to him and yet I cannot just pretend that everything is OK.

Having my family beside me has made everything much better. Knowing they are here and they listen and understand what I'm saying means everything to me. It's nice to know that I am not alone in this. In fact, the "event" that triggered all of this doesn't even affect me as much as it does my mom and Katie and Jon...what affects me the most is what my dad is doing to his relationship with us and having to watch people that I love go through such a difficult thing, knowing that there is nothing I can do to help. Sometimes it feels like Dad doesn't see how hard we are working to take care of ourselves. He sees Andy and I working our way up and taking care of spouses as well but then he compares us to Jon and Katie and expects them to be in the same boat without factoring in things like age, marital circumstances (I certainly wouldn't be where I am if I wan't married--David's income has always been crucial to me not relying on my parents), and other things, like the fact that all my siblings served missions. He doesn't seem to realize that Katie and Jon are working as hard as they can to make a good life for themselves so they can move away from Mom and Dad and focus on building their future. No one should judge them, especially Dad, because they're not where HE thinks they should be.

Anyway, I love my dad. He has done a lot that means a lot to me. He came to my wedding, my graduations, my plays and concerts, he was around more than some people's dads. We got date nights, he used his frequent flyer miles to get me my first plane ride...I know that he loves me and I know he loves my brothers and sister, and yet he doesn't see how this all connects. He doesn't understand how his actions and decisions affect the rest of us and what those actions say about him and how he really feels about us. He doesn't understand that when you pick something else over your kids that that says something about you and about how you view your children and your relationship with them. That's why all of this hurts so much, why I'm so confused, because I want to keep loving him and I want things to get better. I want our relationship to be good so that I can see how much he loves me. I don't want to cut him off and lose what little bit of a father I have left, as much as it sometimes feels like that's all I can do anymore. I want to be a good example to him because I want him to figure out one day that despite what he's done in the past, he can change. He can make things better if he wants to. I want to get through to him but I don't know how. There is nothing that I can say or do that will change his mind. I want to tell him what I really think but I want him to know that I still love him and that this hurts because I still want him in my life...just not the way he is right now.

Is there a right answer?